When the Holidays Feel Like a Test: Letting Go of Perfectionism This Season

When “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” Feels Like Pressure

For many people, the holidays bring joy, togetherness, and meaning. But for others, they bring pressure. Pressure to make everything perfect, to host beautifully, to give the right gifts, to smile even when you’re exhausted.

If you’ve ever felt like the holidays are less about connection and more about performance, you’re not alone.

Perfectionism tends to flare during this time of year. The decorations, the gatherings, the expectations…everything seems to whisper that you should do more, be more, feel more. And yet, under the surface, many people feel overwhelmed, inadequate, or burned out.

If this sounds familiar, this season might be an invitation not to do more, but to do things differently.

What Holiday Perfectionism Looks Like

Perfectionism isn’t just about wanting things to go well. It’s the belief that you must do everything flawlessly for it to matter and that if you don’t, you’ve somehow failed.

During the holidays, that belief often takes on new forms:

• “I need to make everyone happy.” You feel responsible for everyone’s emotions: smoothing tension, creating harmony, keeping the atmosphere cheerful, even when you’re running on empty.

• “Everything has to look just right.” The perfect meal, the perfect home, the perfect outfit, the perfect photo. You may find yourself equating visual perfection with emotional success.

• “I can’t let anyone down.” You overcommit to baking, to parties, to gift exchanges because saying no feels like letting others (or yourself) down.

• “It’s supposed to feel magical.” When the “holiday spirit” doesn’t come naturally, you feel guilty or broken, as though you’re missing something everyone else has.

These pressures don’t come from nowhere. They’re often rooted in deeper fears. Fears of being judged, rejected, or disappointing others. These are the same fears that drive perfectionism all year long.

Why the Holidays Bring Perfectionism to the Surface

Holidays are emotionally charged. They stir nostalgia, grief, and longing, alongside cultural messages that say you should be grateful, joyful, and together. Perfectionism thrives in that gap between what is and what you think should be.

A few reasons this season amplifies the pressure:

1. The “highlight reel” effect. Social media and holiday marketing create impossible standards. Perfectly decorated homes, happy families, glowing lights…images that can make your own messy reality feel “less than.”

2. Old family roles resurface. Family gatherings can reactivate childhood dynamics. If you learned early that approval came from “doing it right,” the holidays can unconsciously reignite that script.

3. Loss and longing. If you’ve experienced grief, illness, or change, the pressure to make things “normal” or “special” can intensify even when your heart isn’t in it.

4. Busyness as proof of worth. Many people equate being busy with being valuable. During the holidays, this can look like overscheduling or overgiving, as if exhaustion somehow validates your love.

The Emotional Cost: When Perfect Isn’t Peaceful

Holiday perfectionism often looks festive from the outside but inside, it feels like walking a tightrope.

You might notice:

• Exhaustion masked as cheerfulness

• Irritability or resentment beneath the surface

• Shame when something goes “wrong”

• Difficulty relaxing or being present

• A sense that no matter what you do, it’s not enough

At its core, perfectionism is a coping strategy. It promises safety (“If I do it all right, no one will be disappointed”) but it rarely delivers peace. Instead, it reinforces the belief that your worth depends on performance.

Where This Pattern Begins

Perfectionism often has roots in early experiences where love, safety, or approval felt conditional. Maybe mistakes brought criticism. Maybe you learned to anticipate others’ needs as a way to avoid conflict. Over time, achievement and control became armor.

During the holidays, that armor can feel both familiar and heavy. The part of you that tries to make everything “just right” is likely the same part that once protected you from disappointment or shame.

This awareness isn’t about blame; it’s about understanding. When you understand where perfectionism came from, you can begin to loosen its hold.

What Letting Go Can Look Like

Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean giving up on caring. It means allowing yourself to be human in a season that often demands superhuman effort.

Here are gentle ways to begin:

1. Redefine what matters. Ask yourself: What do I want to actually feel this season? Peace? Connection? Rest? Warmth? Then, let those feelings guide your choices. You might find that the “perfect” gathering becomes the one where laughter replaces control.

2. Simplify intentionally. Do fewer things with more presence. If three kinds of cookies mean stress, pick one. If multiple events stretch you thin, choose the ones that align with your values. “Enough” is an act of self-respect.

3. Let others show up imperfectly, too. Perfectionism doesn’t just affect you. It can make it hard for others to relax around you. Yikes! You might need to read that again. When you allow others to be themselves (even if they burn the pie or forget a gift), you model grace and create space for genuine connection.

4. Practice micro-moments of stillness. Pause between tasks. Take a few slow breaths. Feel your feet on the ground. These moments retrain your body to experience safety without control.

5. Embrace “good enough.” Ask yourself: If this moment wasn’t perfect but was peaceful, would that be enough? Often, what our loved ones remember most isn’t the perfection, but the presence.

The Body Side of Perfectionism

The nervous system plays a huge role in perfectionism.When you’re striving, tense, or “performing,” your body often stays in a low-grade stress response. This might look like shallow breathing, a tight chest, racing thoughts.

This holiday season, try inviting your body back to safety:

• Breathe low and slow. Place a hand on your belly and let it expand. Make your exhale longer than your inhale.

• Ground through the senses. When you feel the pressure rising, pause and notice what you can see, hear, and feel.

• Release tension. Stretch your shoulders, unclench your jaw, or simply sigh. Each small release tells your nervous system: It’s okay to rest.

When You Can’t Do It All

It’s okay if this season feels hard. It’s okay if you can’t do everything, if your energy is limited, or if your heart is heavy.

Perfectionism whispers that everything depends on you, but connection and love don’t require perfection. They require presence.

If you’re grieving, unwell, or simply tired, give yourself permission to show up differently this year. You might find new traditions or gentler ways to honor what matters most. You might also discover that others meet you with understanding rather than disappointment.

When to Seek Support

If the pressure of the holidays leaves you anxious, depleted, or stuck in harsh self-criticism, therapy can help you explore the deeper layers of perfectionism.

Working with a therapist can help you:

• Identify the fears driving the need to control or please

• Understand the roots of conditional self-worth

• Build compassion-based coping tools

• Learn to tolerate rest and imperfection

Sometimes, the greatest act of strength is to ask for help, not because you’re failing, but because you’re ready to find peace.

This season, what if good enough truly was enough? What if the burnt cookies, mismatched wrapping paper, and imperfect moments were part of what makes it real and beautiful?

Perfectionism promises control, but peace lives in surrender. You don’t have to make the holidays perfect to make them meaningful.

Wishing you peace and stillness this holiday season.